I AM.......

I am a mother, a teacher, a student, a friend, a secret keeper, a protector, a story-teller, a lover, a revenge taker, a believer, a healer, a fashion lover, a reader, a tomboy, a feminist, a people-pleaser, a poet, a loyalist, a sister, a non-believer, an enemy, a traveler, a writer, a day-dreamer, a survivor, a role-model, a woman, a catholic, a detective, an animal lover, a beach lover, a soul searcher, a Yankee lover, a Bronxite, a New Yorker, a night owl, a lefty, a Latina, a student, a driver, an adventurer, a daughter, a girl, a jokester, a person, a human -being
................I AM ME

Solo at a Wedding

So two weeks ago, I attended a wedding of a friend and went solo. I didn't bring a date b/c one, I could barely afford to pay for me in the envelope, let alone someone else and two, everyone kept telling me how its one of the best places to meet someone. I have been "dating" someone for quite a bit now but we are just "dating." It's clear of my status with him but its unclear when certain things are done, things are said or the amount of time spent together but for now, while I get my life in order as he does his, I leave it be. Or maybe I am at a point of leaving well enough alone because not knowing is better than knowing at all. Does that make sense? Am I selling myself short? Time will tell and time with him now is good, is happy, is warm, gives me the feeling of being safe and is sexy.. LOL
Anyway, it may work for some but it didn't work for me. If you are feeling lonely, attending a wedding by yourself is the last thing that should be done...lol

I was with friends ,who are like family (thank god). They made me sit with them for the night throwing off the table setting but we didn't care since I was seated with a table of couples and who looked to be less enthusiastic about a single gal at their table.. LOL...I went with the flow of the night and made fun of how I was every one's date and laughed at the jokes made at my expense. I had a good time, I danced the night away and drank a few drinks to keep a smile on my face but I am not going to lie that I never felt so single as I did that night. I don't think the fact of me being single/divorced, really hit me until that night. I became the purse holder for all of my girlfriends who went out to the dance floor to dance their romantic dance with their men or husbands. I became the photographer who took every one's couple picture and normally, I have done that before but it never bothered me which was because I was part of a couple, in a relationship so it doesn't nag at you or pull at your heart as it did that night.

Its also the worse place to be with everyone asking you if you are dating someone and if not, that you will meet someone soon. I hate when people say that, I know they mean well but are fortune tellers, how the hell do they know? The atmosphere was beautiful, I looked nice but I felt sad. I kept wondering why I didn't bring the guy I was dating but also thought, would he have felt romantic that night with me? Would he have felt pressured under the numerous questions that would have been asked of us that night? It was a romantic night but I had no one to romance. I wanted to be romanced, I wanted to feel part of something or someone that night but instead, at the end of the night, I kissed everyone good-bye and watched how they all got in their car and home with their significant other while the valet opened the door for me, to my car and asked if I was waiting for someone else and me giving my reply of no, its just me.... Have a good night

Clarity

As the dawn approaches I perceive life,
my life with such clarity;
I see how my heart was broken but now can mend;
I see how my spirit was infected but now is cured;
I see how my soul was crippled and empty but now can heal and feel whole.

I thought I was the one confused
but it’s the world in which I live in that is distorted.
I now realize I was not full of doubt
but it was those living in my surroundings that doubted me;
I now recognize what true love is, the right love since
I have lived thru the wrong type of love.

I now face my fears and need to no longer avoid my emotions.
I will no longer be scared to open my heart and
have those who dare to look into my eyes and see my soul.
I will no longer close myself out from the thought of love,
I will no longer dwell on the fact of living in the past
and still feel my pain of failure and loss.

I now have set myself free,
moved myself from behind that wall that I hid behind for so long--
I will no longer be a victim to a sad story
but be the heroine of my life
that shall at any moment be filled with laughter and love.

The 30 something year old student

So I will start off by saying and recognizing that I am very well aware of me not being the first to go back to school and engaging in a career change but this blog is about me so, I am that 30 something year old student and just survived my first week and all I have to say is "Holy Shit!"

Being a single mom, recently laid off, still waiting on child support and going back to school is a formula for "crazy" right now.. lol.. You would think I like crazy but crazy just finds me. I'm excited about this career change but at the same time scared. I question my actions and wonder if I am doing the right thing. I question whether what I am doing will pay off in the long run b/c at the end of the day, my actions just don't affect me but affect my children and our future. Will I survive for the next year without working to go back to school? Will I end up striving in my new career choices? Will I have time for "me" after the week is over? Will my mothering be affected through this all?

So many questions, so many doubts and so little answers. My friends think I am strong and ambitious for what I am doing; I look in the mirror and see doubt and fear but I leaped, I jumped and I took the road less traveled by and hope my fate will lead me in the right direction, to the right answers and maybe a little happiness and good at the end of the rainbow.